Thursday, April 7, 2011

Sometimes I wish I was a bird...

Yeah, its a Forrest Gump reference, but god flying far far away can seem so damn appealing! Im having a crappy day. My hormones are out of whack, I just had a horrible confrontation with my neighbors about their kids throwing rocks at my dogs (rocks GD it!!), Im feeling distant and overwhelmed.

I am so sick of this limbo that I am in right now. I have a couple of months until moving, its close but not quite close enough to start looking for places or to do any packing. My relationship is in a post-havock state and is very uncomfortably ambiguous (granted Im the one dragging my feet, but with good reason).

Oddly though, the most difficult part of this limbo is the fact that I am in the middle of this between coursework and internship state and I hate it....I should be enjoying the freedom and lack of "hustle and bustle" but Im not, which actually makes it worse because then I have to examine my own inability to enjoy it. I feel useless. I have been in school and working since...well, forever (literally!). I was so stressed out for so damn long, thinking that I can't wait until its over and Im free of deadlines and papers and tests....and now I just feel lost. I have this set amount of open time and I should be so productive on what is left of my dissertation, I should be enjoying Seattle, enjoying sleep, and whatever I want to do with the 75% of my time that is left over after my very part time work.

But Im not. I just want to move and start this internship so I can, what? Work like crazy again until I retire? What is wrong with me? Ive spent my last few therapy sessions talking solely about this, but alas, here I am on a beautiful and completely open day with about 1 hour of edits to do on my IRB and a million outdoor adventures, or a shelf of books in front of me and instead Im crying to my computer.

Wow, that was depressing, sorry. Like I said, crappy day...

6 comments:

Rachel said...

Here is my interpretation of this...

I think you are EXCITED about your internship and so you're anticipating it and want to get it rolling. It's ok to be excited! I would be too! Maybe you're also a little bored because there hasn't been as much momentum as usual, which makes it even harder to get going sometimes. When you feel like this, call ME (or someone) and ask to hang out or chat!

Sorry you're feeling bad :( people are here for you.

crystal said...

Thanks Rachel, I needed that!

Oh, and apparently journaling/blogging really does help because I got it out, sulked for a bit, and got my IRB crap done! (bad day now slightly better)

Mel's Way or No Way said...

We all have days like that. When I'm not at work I can't wait for the weekend so I can rest and then when the weekend comes I look around at everything else that needs done and feel guilty about taking time for myself. Why is that?!

Kids throwing rocks at your dogs?!! Now that makes me ass-kicking angry. I could go on a rant but will limit it so maybe I can sleep tonight.

Now get out there and enjoy Seattle. You'll regret it later if you don't. Hope you feel better.

Benny and Lily said...

Hey kid, we all feel like crap sometimes. But in the long run things will fall into place and you will look back and giggle. One day at a time and yes as your friend said call her and go out for a cup o joe. Stop and look at all you have accomplished. Pat yourself on the back
Benny & Lily

crystal said...

Thanks guys, that really helped a lot! Oh and Mel, yeah I had force myself to calm down before going over there and burst into tears after coming back home. I let a lot of things slide, but don't mess with the pups!!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I'd like to fly away right about now, too. I cried on my drive home from work last night. For absolutely NO reason. Nothing had happened. I was just overtired and overwhelmed by all of the studying and I just needed to cry. I want to go to sleep and wake up on June 5th when these 2 massive finance tests are behind me...

But I know it's not good to wish away entire months of time because life is short and time flies... So while our situations are different, I do understand.

And I Have never been good at living in 'limbo' either. So I would be feeling the same way. Try to enjoy the rest of your time as much as possible! Maybe make a bucket list of things you want to do/see/experience before you leave Seattle? That might give you the motivation/drive to get out there and enjoy life. :)