The match process from hell!!!

Has anyone out there in blog land ever had to go through an internship match process?! If not, consider yourself lucky, it is the epitome of hell purgatory actually! I spent my entire summer and early fall weeding through thousands of sites to narrow it down to 15, filling out every last detail of my academic career on an online profile (Im not exaggerating, literally every detail to the minute!), writing cover letters and essays (all under 500 words, mind you, not an easy task!), hounding people to finish letters of recommendation, and trying to beef up my CV. All for what?! Now I get to *patiently* wait while the interview rejection letters slowly trickle in. Im at 8 rejections and am still waiting on 7 sites. Let me tell you, opening my email is now a panic attack waiting to happen!! Plus, if I get an interview, I have to fly across country on my non-existent salary, just to sit in front of a panel of psychologists for an entire day sweating through my misery! If I don't get an interview, I have to go through this entire process again in March, but in shortened form. And, if that doesn't pan out, I get to do what is called the "clearinghouse" which is a mad dash to fill all the positions that didn't get filled during the lottery of a match process! Why did I do this to myself........

Ok, Im off my pity train now, back to your days, which I truly hope are going much better than mine!! Im going to eat a cupcake and take some yogic breaths...

Apparently I really am an eternal student...

I just finished all my coursework and its not really having the relief filled effect that I expected. I have found myself looking for academic-y things to do...as if this damn dissertation is academic enough!! I have actually caught myself on multiple occasions over the last few months contemplating signing up for foreign language classes! I have the community continuing education class websites bookmarked on my computer...hmm, a writing class or a review of classic literature?! Seriously Crystal, take a break from texts, deadlines, and tests!!! What is wrong with me? I was in Fred Meyer the other day and instinctively went to the school supply section. I actually started to cry when I realized that I didn't need to pick out folders and pens.

I guess I can give myself a little bit of a break. Folders, textbooks, and deadlines have been a huge part of my life for...well most of my life! Its a big change in my scholastically minded life to not have deadlines hanging over my head.

Im convinced that I will forever be intrigued by knowledge and searching for the next new bit of it to soak up. Someday, I will be able to enjoy it, taking classes I want to take and not acquiring an obscene amount of debt in order to do so. Im really excited for that! But right now I think I need a break, no more classroom learning for a while! I want to enjoy it again when I start; to be able to be fully excited to learn! Right now, its just habit and another thing to get through. But yet, its tempting....yeah, I have issues!

Oh well, I guess I still have this dissertation thing to keep me grounded for now.... (sigh)

Central Perk/library/beach house!!!

I want a perfect coffee shop! What is Crystal's version of a perfect coffee shop you ask?!

Well, it would have a bunch of comfy chairs and couches in the front section. There would be chandeliers to offer subtly bright, but not blinding light. All the walls would have built in book shelves with classic old books littering them. There would be an area in the back with big tables and comfy desk-type chairs. This would be the quiet area, and it would actually be quiet...as in how a library is meant to be!! There would be an unwritten law that everyone who was in there warmly accepted.

Of course there would be good coffee! Also though, yummy breakfast wraps and bagels. And for those of us who do homework all the live long day(!), there would be lunch options also...oh and wine! :)

The best part of this perfect coffee shop? It would be a hidden little gem! Im thinking something along the other side of Alki (here is an old link for those of you who are not Seattleites); the quiet but yet still beautiful side. Tucked away in the midst of cozy houses, but still with a view of the water. Plus it would have an entire wall that opened up like a garage door so you could listen to the water, from a secluded section of the beach of course!

Can you picture it?! If anyone knows of this place, please please share!! Until then, I will put on my noise reduction headphones and sit in a coffee shop with crappy stale bagels while I plug away at this lovely dissertation! Ahh, a girl can dream.....

Cats and homework; never a good combination!

Squishy doesn't like when I do homework! I finally sit down to get some dissertating done (ps: I have coined that term as the verb form of dissertation!) and she comes by to mess with my plans!

The crazy thing is that a big part of my topic is on the human-animal bond, so its not like I can kick her off of it!!

(as you can see, she chose to stand right on that section, just to prove her point!!)

Ahh, cats....she is lucky she is cute!!

The Girl with the Owl Tattoo

...yeah, I used the reference, I never claimed that I wasn't a dork!
So, I finally got my owl tattoo and I love love love it!!

How adorable is he?! How could you not love a tattoo with a cute owl and books?!

He is also special to me because he represents all that I have acomplished and all the drive I need to find in order to finish. As I mentioned before, Ive felt a bit of a *blah* reaction to any graduate academic acomplishments. Im also lately feeling very burnt out and apathetic towards the process, which I hate. So, I rewarded myself :) I wanted to mark my finishing coursework and give myself motivation to get back to working on my dissertation. I think it has worked, Im a dissertating maniac lately!!

I think that celebrating 22 years of classwork is justified!.....right?!

I had my last day of my last class today. Im not sure how I feel about it, its a mixture of loneliness and relief. I have realized that there is this weird thing about grad school; every achievement prior to graduation is depressingly anti-climatic. When I got my master's degree en route, I passed the competency exam and was told "good job, but no MA title yet" then a few months later my diploma was mailed to me with a note that said basically "as of a months ago, you have a masters degree"....great, thanks for the heads up to celebrate!

Also our CCEs, the other big ticket item, it was a huge stressor and an obscene amount of work. But, when we passed it, we received a "you passed"...that was about it. My favorite professor was aware of this minimization and made some confetti to throw at us. The simple fact that she threw shredded up paper at us brought us all to tears!

Now, within the last few weeks most of my cohort has experienced our last day of class. This is a big deal! I have literally be in school for 22 years straight! College for 9 1/2 years! That is a big freakin' deal!  Im not even sure that I know how to function without homework deadlines and the classroom format.

But, yet again it has been sort of a depressingly subdued experience. I am so burnt out, and yet I feel like everyone around me is thinking "yeah well you have been in school forever, whats the big deal, contact me when you actually graduate!!" Its depressing and lonely for me. I know I still have dissertation and internship left. but finishing coursework is a big deal! All I need is a little encouragement!

Am I pouting? Have any other grad students felt the same despair? How do I honor my milestones while still maintaining motivation for the rest of the work I have to do?

Why don't I ever talk about all the pros of grad school!?!!

I feel like I complain a lot about the stress, work, and general difficulty of grad school. I'm sorry. In my defense though, I am finishing up my 4th year (8.5 years total of college coursework...but who is counting?!) and am a bit burnt out. As I was walking along the waterfront though today, I thought to myself "I never would be here if it wasn't for grad school!" and I really truly love Seattle. That got me thinking about all of the other things I have gained from this experience. It really is a wonderful thing and I feel so lucky to be able to go through the process, so I thought I would share what I love about grad school...

• I moved out of the Midwest and into Seattle; a city that really fits me better. I love the atmosphere, the beauty of the pacific northwest, the people, the experiences that are literally everywhere just waiting to be found! I really love this city :)
• I love intellectual discussion! And I don't mean talking about textbooks or theory, but having good intense discussions about topics that I am passionate about, with people who feel the same way.
• Networking and finding my niche, plus people who are passionate about that area.
• Being able to say, "well I'm a grad student" when people ask what I do. There is just something gratifying about that answer, particularly to judgemental people who formed immediate stereotypes about me when I was a server/bartender!
• Therapy, I really love doing therapy!! (good thing, huh?)
• Learning about the mind and emotions and human behavior. We are such an amazing species and it is so exciting to learn about all the capabilities that we have and the ways that suffering can be understood and alleviated.
• The friends I have made, both in and out of school. Ive met some great people here in Seattle and I have a wonderful cohort at school Its great to be surrounded by compassionate, albeit stressed out, colleagues!
• Learning to take the bus, I have actually became quite an expert on public transportation. That's quite an accomplishment considering I moved here having never used any form of public transportation and learned all by myself through good old "trial and error" (and there were some hilarious errors!!)
• Rachel, who I obviously never would have met without moving here and being forced to work at the crappy Outback!
• Hospice volunteering, its a great experience and a wonderful reminder of why I wanted to go into the field of helping people through their struggles.
• I even think being pathetically poor is a good thing. Although I am definitely sick of it, I do think it is good to be poor for a while. It makes you appreciate things so much more (I wrote an entire ecstatic blog about finding a $5 bill!!!) Plus, its nice to do it with a bunch of friends who are poor at the same time, who else could I complain about the bitch Sallie Mae to?!

There are so many more wonderful things about this experience, but I just wanted to share a few. Its a reminder to myself that I really really love what I am doing. I'm going to love my career, but I also need to remember the joy in the journey of getting there.

Do movers ever do "pro bono" work?!

I hate moving!!! This is the status of my "office".....during finals week! Only Apple Lane could cause us to decide to move during one of the 3 busiest and most stressful weeks of my year!! So, although this is a wonderful move for us, it is still a pain in the butt to do.

On a positive note though; I finally splurged on a nice desk for the new place. So, my work area is going from this

to this...

Plus, we are keeping the extra room as just and office. No more office/bedroom/storage/what ever else!!! Yay :)

I spent my week searching for a 30 hour day...

...to no avail! So, Ive been busy and stressed, and absent. class has started again and I am in my final year of coursework for my doctoral degree (mini celebration for me!!), so needless to say, Its going to be a busy year.
Class. Practicum. Reports. Assessments. Dissertation! Internship applications. Papers. Study. Study. Read. Study. And Read.
Thats my life, who is jealous?! Anyways, I just thought I would share where I have been. I will get back here, I promise!

When opposites collide!

*Friday update: Apparently this guy got hauled away in handcuffs a few hours later.....ahh, karma! :)

My school is little, its a private graduate school, not a big univeristy so there are significantly fewer students. I love this because there is good communicaiton between professors and students. It like a little community and it is a wonderful way to foster growth.

Of course though, there are downfalls to this. The main one being our facilities. We have 1 floor of a building that is mainly filled with students from the Art Institute. Aparently they don't have enough room in their 2 buildings, so occasionally they have classes on our floor. This may not seem like a big deal, but it really really is! We have completely different atmospheres and they should not intersect.

Our floor: We are respectful of our graduate student status within a professional atmosphere. Most people are dressed fairly nice and conservative. We are quiet, it is an unwritten rule that our computer lab is quiet so people can do their assignments or research. Our classes are always on time and we respect our professors and fellow students. Basically, it is just a professional atmosphere filled with very hardworking students.

Their floors: Very loud! I rarely go to the library because it literally sounds like a busy coffee house with everyone gossiping about last night's party and not a single soul reading or studying! This is really a shame too, bucause the library has a beautiful view looking over the waterfront and mountains...and I never get to use it except for the few days that they have a longer break than us, during which I fully enjoy the silent library! Students are usually walking around on their cell phones. Plenty of the clothes are either costumy or trashy. Basically, it is the polar opposite of our floor.

Aside from my longing for the library and the cloud of smoke I have to walk through on the way in the door, this contrast is not a problem to me. I actually enjoy the culture shock at times. But, I hate when they come onto our floor and gossip loudly in our computer lab or stroll arrogantly through our halls. Is distracting and disrespectful in my mind.

Now to the reason for this post. I was sitting in our testing center computer lab today scoring a personality test. I heard a guy in the hall on his phone yelling at someone for calling him while he was in class.
Arrogant little prick: Why are you blowing my phone up?
...
ALP: Im meeting with my teacher and you keep calling my F*&^ing phone! Im talking to my teacher...thats so rude dude.
Me (to the other girl in the lab): Why is his phone even on then?
Her: I know, isnt that rude?!
ALP: I cant meet you now, I came early to talk to my teacher, dude!
...
ALP: Im not bringing you your computer you asshole, Im in class!!
...
ALP: F*#K, Im not doing it, asshole! Dude you are being so retarded (keep in mind, this is a psychology grad school, we do not use that word!)
...
ALP: (at full scream mode now): Send the f*"king cops then, Ill tell them Im meeting with my teacher and you were blowing up my phone, they will see it was f*#king rude! Send them!
...
ALP: no dude, you are a F*"k! Whatever dude, Im gonna be an adult and talk to my teacher...your just a F"*k!!

Me: And that is the difference between an Argosy and an AI student.
other girl: Perfect example!

Seriously, this guy is in school acting like this. He is an adult and he was acting less mature than most kids I know! Oh, and I walked by the room he was in a little while after this and he was playing a game on whoever's computer it was....no teacher in sight!

Its stuff like this that make me appreciate my parents greatly. I was taught respect and how to act in a professional environment. I can have fun, but I know how to act like an adult and when it is appropriate to do so. Obviously a very valuable lesson.....

Someday.....

.....I will have a real office!

This is currently how I am working on my homework, papers, and dissertation! In my makeshift office in our extra bedroom.
Oh and this is my office chair...classy huh?!

Dont get me wrong, I am grateful to have a space to work at least! I'm just saying that someday when I have a real live office with desks and big comfy chairs, I will look back at this post and fully appreciate it!

Back to the grind?....did I ever leave it?!

Class started again and along with it, that constant feeling of urgency and being just behind where I need to be. You know, that feeling like a  

black knot in your stomach 

that is connected to a switch that will not turn off in your brain 

by a tight spiked chain that runs up your spine...

...

yeah that feeling! 

I am not going to miss that when I am finally done with school. There is nothing like working your ass off only to feel perpetually like you are about to miss a deadline or loose a paper or fall off the face of the earth! Bring on the ulcers.....

Money sucks!!

Just thought I would share....grad school is killing me! Someday it will all be worth it, right?

Sorry about the crappy fuzzy picture!

Ahh, the joys of free money!!

I found a $5 bill at the dog park today!!! I was so excited I screamed a little. I know this doesn't sound like much, but please remember that I am a starving graduate student making very very little money in the very very small amount of time that I can devote to working.

So here is how my emotional states went; I was overly excited (hence the screaming, I am a very quiet person generally, I cant even go through drive throughs because they don't hear me!). Then I realized that I got overly excited about $5 so I felt a little sorry for myself for needing to be so excited over $5. Then I realized that I am so happy to be using this difficult period in my life to fully enjoy the small things in life; going out to eat on the rare rare occasion that I can, buying the bottle of wine that actually has a year and type printed on it (not just "red"), buying a new book that I really really want, seeing a movie in a theatre (with popcorn!), and finding $5. I honestly fully appreciate these things that many people take for granted, that is a awesome thing!

So, I totally overanalyzed this $5 bill (I even thought long and hard about what to spend it on, yikes!) but I am a grad student in psychology and a Pisces; that is a double whammy for overanalyzing everything :) But hey, without the overanalyzing I never would have found my wonderful little silver lining of happiness in my ever so broke existence!