Grad school was totally worth it!!!

I have had this post in edit mode for a couple of weeks, then my friend Lisa posted something similar and I thought "Crystal, you need to get your enthusiasm out there as well!" So, here it is; my "I love my job and grad school was actually worth all the pain" post!! Enjoy :)

I just spent my Friday morning (well, 2 weeks ago...edit mode, remember) sitting in a conference room with 3 other interns, a psychologist that I totally respect for his intellect and wit, and 4 male offenders who are in on life sentences, awesome no?! It was a panel to discuss life in prison, viewpoints on the corrections system, and life in general. lt was amazing!

I spend 2 mornings every week in the best process group you could ask for. (Non psych people ~ process group = group therapy format that has no specific plan or outline, its just open to the process.) Seriously, I leave the room every single time thinking something along the lines of "wow, that was the most insightful / amazing / thought provoking / emotionally draining and yet fantastic, 2 hours of my academic career so far!"

I have found myself saying or thinking "my job seriously rocks!!" at least a dozen times in the past 2 months. Seriously, who gets to say that? I know I'm an intern who is new and fresh into a long career that will be filled with stress, work politics, and general bad days. I get that. But, it will also be full of such amazing cathartic events. I love that psychology challenges me, I love that it is literally never boring, that it requires continual lifelong learning, and that it makes me feel good about what I do. I am continually amazed by the human mind and am so stinking happy to be around other people who are also amazed by it and are as excited as I am to discuss those amazing complexities.

Seriously, I have the best career in the whole world, and Im just entering the path!!

Proud to be an introvert!!

Yes, I am an introvert! People are often surprised to hear this, which in turn surprises me because I feel like I embody introversion pretty damn well! I have realized though that this stems more from a difference in understanding the nature of introversion, than in a misunderstanding of who I am or who I present to the world.

So, what does an introvert do when she wants to understand a concept better? Thats right, she reads a book on it!! I had a basic understanding of myself as an introvert, but true to my introverted form, wanted to grasp the whole picture. (Introverts like to know a lot about fewer topics, while extroverts generally want to know less detail about a broader range of topics) The best book that I found was called The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney PsyD (side note; yay for PsyDs!!!) She is a doctoral level clinical psychologist, so she knows her stuff! (yeah, tooting my own horn here!) But, she writes in a way that is very easy to understand.

Here are some general concepts from the book that I found to be most beneficial in understanding myself and how I function as an introvert. (as you may have noticed, things directly from the book are green) The first major thing is that we are often misunderstood as being socially awkward or shy and introversion is often equated with social anxiety. This is not true, introverts actually do enjoy social interactions, just usually on a different level than extroverts.

1) One concept that I have heard before, but that I find the most useful is to think of it in terms of where you "recharge." Think of an introvert as a rechargeable battery and an extrovert as a solar panel. Introverts can function in social settings perfectly fine, as long as they have the ability to recharge at their home base. This means that we need the time to regroup and consolidate internally in a quiet and safe place where we can be alone (aka: home, bedroom, or some other private place). Extroverts on the other hand, recharge through social interactions, they soak it up like a solar panel!

When I finally grasped this concept, it was like a profound light bulb went off for me! I am able to have fun when out with people, but I have always had this urge that I call my "homing beacon!" Unconsciously, I get to a point where I need to recharge and leave the event so that I can go to my home base. I love that an understanding of this has brought it to the conscious level. Now that I know this and am able to take care of my recharging, I can function better in social settings. This used to cause me problems because I would not listen to my "homing beacon" and then my anxiety would come out in self-destructive ways (drinking too much, becoming irritated with friends, etc). I believe that it is when, as introverts, we do not allow ourselves this space to recharge (or as I call it, feeding our introversion) that is when we get labeled as having social anxiety and/or come across problems.

Another aspect of this point is that we place a lot of value on our home base because it is essential to our recharging and introversion feeding! This is why we generally don't like surprise or extended intrusions to our space. In other words, we are happy to have visitors as long as it is not for a month at a time and we have enough time prior to prepare ourselves.

2) We need time to process information before responding. So, its likely that we will never make good comedians because we are the people who think of a witty retort a few hours later! This is something that I have always been frustrated with in regards to arguments, either in relationships or when debating something that I feel strongly about. (Introverts often have very strong feelings about topics that they have a vested interest in, or are morally attached to) I have learned to compensate by writing my feelings down (often in bullet point, because Im a dork like that!) so that I can organize them before getting caught up in an emotional conversation.

3) We can take offense when we are interrupted. As you may have noticed, we don't talk a lot and are generally the listeners. This particular aspect of introversion is much to the dismay of my partner. Most people in our society are used to being talked over and talking over others. We have a very vocal society that is run by extroverts and this is one area where us introverts do not fit in well. Putting all the prior points together; we generally only open up fully to those who we trust into our emotional home base, we likely have strong feelings about the things we are willing to talk a lot about, and we take the time to process our thoughts before vocalizing them. So...maybe that helps to shed light on why we take it personally when someone interrupts us when we finally talk!

4) We don't function well under a lot of stimulation. My best example of this point; Costco!! I hate the damn place, but my extroverted girlfriend loves it! There is a Jungian concept that describes the differences in stimulation in great detail, but even with a full graduate level class I still do not fully understand it all. So, here is my watered down version. Introverts have a very rich internal world and are overstimulated by an abundance of external stimuli. Extroverts are fueled more by external stimuli than by their internal world, so they thrive on stimuli in the external world (remember the solar panel that I mentioned earlier). This is why I am overwhelmed by all the lights, noise, and crap in Costco. In fact, I usually stay at the cart and read a book (my on-the-go version of my home base) while Rachel goes out into the scary Costco world.

There is sooo much more that I could share because I am fascinated by this concept and how us introverts function in such an extroverted world! But, I will restrain myself :) The most important take home point for any introvert out there is to feed your introversion! Basically just remember that you need to recharge. Listen to your rich internal world (yeah, Im proud of that internal world thing!) and notice when it is telling you that you need some alone time. Figure out what works for you to recharge. For me, its reading a book, spending time in my office focusing on school work, or taking a walk. Then, when you feel like you are overwhelmed by all the stimuli that is in this extroverted world, take time to recharge. And finally, be proud of your introversion! I personally think that we have many advantages over extroverts (I mean come on, we have a "rich internal world!!") and we only need to understand ourselves better to be able to function effectively in this crazy extroverted world!

I highly recommend to anyone who thinks that they are an introvert, or anyone who is dating or close friends with an introvert, to read this book. Also, the most recent edition of Psychology Today has an article that summarized most of the information pretty well.

What do you think? Are you extroverted or introverted? Does it work for you? Did this introverted girl ramble on too much about her rich internal world?!

My idea of a perfect home base to recharge!

Why is therapy a taboo word?!

Ok Im going to preface this post, please do not think of me as a psychologist-to-be when reading this! Im not writing it as a way to promote my field. Obviously therapy and internal self growth are things that are important to me on many different levels, but my career choice is only one of those levels, this comes from the other layers...

I am in therapy. I am soon starting couples therapy. I have been in therapy multiple times throughout my life. Why is this something that people have a hard time saying? I pursue therapy not because I am psychotic or because I am painfully depressed, but because I am alive! Life is difficult, it comes with sadness and heartache and stress and...well, pain. I want to be able to understand my way of being within those struggles. I yearn for a deeper understanding of myself and that is what therapy means to me.

Don't get me wrong, a lot of therapy clients do struggle with psychosis and debilitating depression, and that is a lot of what therapy is there for. I am by no means trying to belittle or downplay the significance of that. But, that doesn't have to be all that it is there for! For some reason, our society has this negative view of therapy and the people who pursue it. We (the people in therapy) are looked at as this helpless person who can't deal with life, so we go to someone else to walk us through it. I view us as strong people who are able to acknowledge the fact that life is hard and sometimes talking through it helps! Why do people who get labeled as strong when they are working out to better themselves physically but weak when they are trying to better themselves internally?!

And then there is couples therapy which has an even worse stereotype. Im going to state the blatantly obvious here, but relationships are hard, really hard!! In my mind, couples therapy should be the norm rather than the ultimatum presented when everything is falling apart. Very few couples actually pursue therapy until it is the one string they are left with to grip onto. So, what happens? Society thinks that is what couples therapy is there for, a way to hold on to the small piece that is left, or a cleaner way to let go. What does that leave the rest of us with? Those of us who pursue couples therapy as a way to help us get through the rocky parts and come out of them a little less banged up?

I understand that this is all a vicious cyclical experience. Couples who do pursue therapy before the relationship is hanging by a thread don't want to tell anyone for fear of being labeled as doomed. So, nobody knows that people do go to therapy before that point, so they think that is all that it is there for...and then nobody goes. You get the picture. Its the same thing for individual therapy, albeit to a lesser degree. But still, nobody wants to mention that they are in therapy for fear of being labeled "crazy"...so the stereotype that society holds remains there.

What is my point here? Im proposing that those of us who are in therapy as a way to better ourselves and deepen our self awareness, speak up! I am in therapy! Let it be known, it is a sign of strength and personal growth, not of weakness.

On feeling valuable

I just finished my year long practicum (pre/part-time internship) at a local prison. I spent a year conducting therapy and administering personality and intelligence assessment to offenders in a unit specifically for those with a psychiatric diagnosis. This was my first of 2 practicum experiences before embarking on the adventure of internship.

Nervous. Scared. Worthless. Inadequate. Timid. These are mearly a sampling of the vast emotions that I was overloaded with upon my first entrance through those double walled and barbwired gates that lead into a completely different world. There are no textbooks or lectures that can prepare you for that first time you sit with a client in pain. Its just there, in the space between you, waiting to be experienced.

As many first time therapists do, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I should be saying or what orientation would best benefit this client....or "oh god, am I even using an orientation?" I fumbled. I faltered. I tried way to hard and thought about it all way too much. Then, I learned to just do what I am best at. I listened and I cared. I allowed for silence to do it's work. I expressed honest empathy. I sat with men who rarely get viewed as humans and treated them with respect.

I am not going to say I didn't make mistakes because I definitely did. I am not a world class therapist or even worthy of a degree yet. But, I experienced. I learned. And I grew. I made a very slight difference in a few people's lives. That is a beginning and it is enough, all at the same time.

Worthy. Strong. Accomplished. Hopeful. Valuable. I left those same gates with a different outlook. I went in scared and unsure. I left strong and aware of my effect on others. I am so excited to start my career in this field. I feel like I fit there, like I will not only be effective but also that I will benefit from the little changes that I will be able to witness in others. The joy is in the details of the experience. I am so proud to be a part of it.

Lars and the real girl

You know how when you accidentally forget to update your Netflix queue and you end up with a movie that you didn't really want to watch, one that was just on there as a "buffer"? Well that is how Lars and the Real Girl ended up in our mailbox...and then on top of our tv for about a week. Last night we finally decided to try to watch it so that we could return it and get something we wanted. Well, a beautifully serendipitous thing happened....I loved it!

The movie is billed as a comedy about a man who falls in love with a sex doll. They need to fire their advertising exec because not only did that sound really stupid, it completely misses the point of the movie! It is about community, family, accepting differences, and the psychopathology of everyday life (a corny Freud reference for those who aren't dorky enough to recognize it).

Ok this is my synopsis, I will try my best to not include spoilers!

Lars starts the movie off as a painfully socially awkward man in his late 20s. He cant talk to women at all, not even his sister in law. He is basically agoraphobic; afraid of the world outside of the garage that he lives in. His sister in law (who is the most lovable movie character you will ever see!) keeps trying to get him out of his shell but nothing is working. So, he orders a real doll (warning! the site is graphic) but not as a sex toy, he just wants a companion. He goes a little overboard with her; bringing her to dinners and church, buying a wheelchair, and taking her to the doctor. This though is how he meets the psychologist who talks his family into "going along with the delusion" so he can work out what he needs to. The odd thing is that this doll makes him normal! Suddenly he is happy and talkative and...well, "normal." I am not going to tell any more of the plot because I really want you to see it!

I love the premise of this movie because it challenges the realm of "normal." It shows how something that could be considered an illness and weird could really just be a way for the person to work things out. In Lars' case, he needed to work through grief, his pain presented in a socially "weird" way, but he found his own way to work through it. I am a strong believer in feeling emotions and the individuality of experiences. This movie epitomizes that belief in a beautifully weird way!

Has anyone else seen it? Any thoughts? Any other movies that were surprisingly good?

Voluntary madness

I just read Nora Vincent's Voluntary Madness. (Side note: I actually listened to it on a book on cd which is my favorite "find" in the last year. It is awesome because I hate listening to the radio which is littered with way too many adds and stations pulling their own agenda. Plus, I always feel guilty reading for pleasure when I have so much to read for school and dissertation. Plus, the library has tons of books on cd and I could go on a whole other side note rambling about how much I love the Seattle area public library system, but I am done digressing!) She is an immersion writer who puts herself into intense situations so she can write about it. Well, her last book was called Self Made Man where she dressed like a man for a while (a year-ish?). This apparently put her into a depression and she had to be committed to "the bin" as she calls it. While in there, she came up with her next book idea, "I should commit myself to a 'loony bin' and write about it!" (please pick up on the attitude in my typing, I do not condone this idea!) Enter, Voluntary Madness...
From page 1 she shows her viewpoint on the topic of mental health, and it is not good. She goes on about the medicalization and impersonalization of the field in detail...many times through the book. This itself is a good argument for listening to it rather than reading it; you can dissociate during one of her rants if needed! She questions all the research and theories in psychology by citing the lack of objectifiable research. This is true, but also part of the field. When you are studying something as subjective as personal differences, emotions, and cognitions, objectivity is difficult. We are well aware of the research difficulties in are area. She even goes so far as to question the "reality" of psychosis! Tell that to someone who has dealt with persecetory delusions since their teenage years!
I do believe that she could have written a much better and less angry book by simply doing more research before hand. I thought to myself multiple times throughout it that she just needs to look up the difference between psychology and psychiatry and all her problems/complaints would be addressed! She mentioned many many times how she wanted to be listened to, not medicated into a stupor. And yet, she kept seeing (and bitching about) psychiatrists!! Quick lesson; psychiatrists focus on medicine, psychologists focus on emotions and cognitions (aka: we listen), she went through all of this when all she needed was to find a psychologist to talk to and a psychiatrist to get her Prozac (which by the way, she ranted often about but still consumed!)
The book is not all bad though, just overran by her own agenda which she presents as facts. The point that I took out of it was to remember to think with my interpersonal feelings as a psychologist, not with my textbooks. She had a good point about the depersonalization of psych wards and really all it would take was a moment of putting yourself in a client's shoes to take a more human perspective. I do think it is a worthwhile read as long as it is taken with a very large grain of salt and an informed critical eye. At least you have to give the woman credit for voluntarily placing herself in a position of "madness."