Friday, November 19, 2010

To walk a mile with Sorrow

Those of you who read me regularly have probably picked up on my recent unhappiness. I've been going through a lot and have definitely been walking my mile with Sorrow. Im not going to go into all the details here, Im a pretty private person, but I do feel emotions pretty strongly and need this outlet as a way to release some of those bear with me guys. 

So I'll just say it, my relationship is over. It hurts like hell and is full of feelings and internal thoughts that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Like I said though, I am not going to go into details, instead I am going to focus on where I am and what I have learned.

First, it is important to me to give everything I have to a relationship. Admittedly, I have not been great at this in the past, I've messed up and ran away. But, I learned from that and in this relationship I gave it my all, even more so through the pain and difficulti times. So, what have I learned from that? As horribly painful as it was, I will forever be the person who gives it my all (a Callie from my earlier example)! So, I need to be with someone who is willing to be fully present through the pain and fight along with me. I have had this image in my head of a really bad blizzard, the kind that you have to just duck your head and lean forward in order to make your way through it. That is what I have been doing, slowly dragging myself through this blizzard, freezing and getting stung with snow the entire way. I deserve to be with someone who will hold my hand and plow through that snow right along with me. Blizzards end, and I want to be holding hands and wiping frozen tears off of eachother's wind blown faces when its over. 

I have also learned that I some people will form opinions and judgements about me that are simply out of my control. Many of the problems within this relationship stemmed from myself being disliked downright hated and alienated by most of her family and friends. This was a major source of pain for both me and our relationship. They have been significantly more hurtful and judgmental recently though through the dissolving of our relationship. I was really allowing it to get me down about myself until I tried one last attempt at reaching out to one of them. Im sparing details, but the reply was full of attacks and completely irrelevant insults and judgements about me, basically it was pure projection. 
Oddly enough, this helped me more than she could ever know and finally allowed me to let go of all of their hate. I am aware now that no matter how much I tried, I would have not been able to do a single thing to get these people to like me, or to even see me! So, I learned that I need to find ways to not allow the untrue and disrespectful criticisms of others to find their way into myself. I love myself and have put a lot of work into being a person that I can be proud of.  Of course it is a lifetime work in progress, but its far too much work to allow myself to be brought down by anyone who is not even willing to see me for who I really am. 

Basically, I learned that I am worth this. I am worth fighting for, standing up for, and being wholeheartedly devoted to. I am worth walking through a blizzard with, and I will continue walking through this blizzard until I see the sun. 

I do want to add that Rachel is not a horrible person, she is simply someone who needs to gain self-awareness and self-confidence before being able to offer her best self to someone else. She made a lot of mistakes that resulted in immense pain for me, to the point where I just had to start taking care of myself. I do though still love her very much and understand that if she was able to fully love and respect herself, she would have felt worthy of that love in return. I have faith that she will gain this growth and that we will still have a loving presence in each other's lives. 


Benny and Lily said...

mom said she went through it, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel even though you don't see it now
Benny & Lily

rachelgab said...

This is gonna sound...uhhh... I don't know but I saw Marie Osmond (of all people) on Oprah talking about her marriage and she said this:

"you marry at the level of your self esteem. make sure you have self worth."

I don't know but she is totally on to something. That really stuck with me. I just wanted to share :)

Hang in there. I am here for you!

crystal said...

Rachel ~ I love that quote! Its similar to "we accept the love we think we deserve" which I also love. Anyways, thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I had a feeling you were going through something based on your recent posts. I am so sorry to hear about this. Break-ups are really, really tough. My heart hearts for you, and it makes my tummy hurt to think about what you are going through. :(

Hang in there! I know you are a strong person and will get through this!

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Crystal-I'm sorry to read about your breakup. Sending good thoughts to you.